Monthly Archives: December 2011

Does Change mean Fear or Excitement for you?

Does the word “change” mean FEAR or EXCITEMENT for you?

Change has been a familiar companion of mine over my years upon this earth.  As a young child, my father worked for a company that transferred both he, and his family to different locations regularly; resulting in my early learning about goodbyes and hellos to friends, peers and surrounding neighbors.  I left home at 17 and travelled alone across the continent to enter university in Utah.  I got off the plane not yet knowing where my new home would be, and spent the following day finding an apartment and 5 new roommates who would become my substitute family.

 

I was married by 19, and my (then) husband was an adventurous personality, so I spent much of our 16 years together re-locating and adjusting to his new jobs as well as the church community that embraced us.  My first baby had 3 doctors.  One who cared for our first trimester, one who delivered our baby, and the third which completed my six week post-partum check-up.  Moreover life has continued keeping me ever alert to the whispering winds of change, my last change being one of the more significant ones in my life – possibly “the” most significant.

 

One year ago, I was living in British Columbia, and had a private practice as a mediator plus a part-time position as a legal advocate for a community centre.  It was around this time that I began to feel that a major change would occur.  At first I resisted the notion, because I liked that my life was predictable. Even so, resisting just made my life more difficult.  Eventually I surrendered to the path that began forming before me, and I am now here, with my life completely different.  I no longer have a residence of my own nor do I  live near my 5 children. I have closed my private practice and suspended my position as a counselor indefinitely, and presently I don’t know what the future holds for me career-wise.  I surmise in this very moment that change can be both excitement AND fear for me.  The excitement comes easily when I am connected to my divine part and have complete trust in the Universe.  The fear leaks out when the practical and logical part of me becomes frightened and feels unworthy and unprepared to step into my highest potential as a lightworker and servant for humanity.  Even so, my deep knowing continues to tell me that I’m on the right path, and to only stay aware of the present moment – to stay away from pondering the future.  My guess is that there will be many changes yet to unfold over the next few years but knowing too much about those changes will probably get in the way of this magical and mystical experience. So I choose to embrace change as exciting and to stay in trust throughout it’s process.

How long will you leave it…

How long will you leave it until you live your life to the full?

 

I have forever asked the question WHEN?  I was the little girl who asked incessantly when will I get breasts and have a boyfriend”.  I’ve been the young pregnant wife asking “when will this baby come so I can be just me again?” I’ve been the woman with a broken heart – split so wide that there were splinters of me everywhere, so that I pleaded out loud asking “when will I be whole again?”  I have for years, wished that I could be somewhere else, usually in the future, at some optimal point that does it for me.  I have since figured out that usually who it does it for is my ego.  When I dreamed of attaining my academic achievements, I languished in the visions of telling others about them, (with just the right seasoning of humility and enthusiasm); yet alas… when I got there, my head was already turned to see the direction of “where shall I go next?”

 

When I look back on my life, I see how much I have lived.  Talk about living life to the fullest… well I see that I have lived a few lives to the fullest in this very one.  The range of experiences, both blissful and suffering has been awesome in the genuine sense of that word.  The blessing of where I now stand as I consider this question is that my suffering has in-fact been so very balanced with an abundance of joy.  Have you ever laughed and cried in the very same sentence… in the very same moment?  Now how heavenly and sublime is that?  I have ached and ached inside and then raised my head to cast my gaze upon a sweet soul who loves me – perhaps a friend or family member – and although the ache is not lifted… it moves over a little to allow the love, humor and intimacy to co-exist within the next moments. Magical!

 

I have learned that when I surrender and BE in – what ever is happening in my life; holding no judgment, and trusting that all things eventually change, that inner-knowing allows me the strength to stop beating myself up when I find myself in pain.  Pain is actually a friend and a teacher.  To look unabashedly into it’s essence with appreciation is to embrace life to the full, because pain is malleable and impersonal.  It is not vengeful or restrictive (unless we believe it is so).  Instead – it just IS… for all of us – not just me.  Yet pain will eventually slip in and out quietly if we get comfortable with it.  I have no more need to run from it or try to escape it; for the most precious gifts and memories often come at the very times that I am peeled and raw from pain.  My memories remain bright and everlasting, and I SEE with great depth and beauty.  I say to myself “I AM”… living life to the full; for suffering and joy are both accepted participants of my existence.

 

 

Does your generosity match your desire for gain?

Does your generosity match your desire for gain?


Generosity and Desire for gain; rarely do the two ideas coincide.  Here we are within the holiday season of generosity, and many of us jog our memories of these two ideas when we reacquaint ourselves with Charles Dickens’s story of Ebenezer Scrooge.  Scrooge lived the extreme version of “desire for gain” to the extent of hurting others around him; both family members and those he knew not.  He has since become the archetypal personality of a miserly existence.  Yet when a miracle of grace occurred, (the introduction and healing of his own childhood wounds by three spirits) I dare say that his generosity more than matched his desire for gain.  Perhaps in that story we find the magical alchemy of balancing the two ideas.

 

In my own case, I remember early in my life having the ability to manifest “stuff”.  At a very young age, I remember my mother giving me two dollars to buy Christmas presents for the whole family, and I was able to purchase thoughtful gifts, with money to spare.  Often I would save money up and lend it to others like my brothers or friends.  It was confusing to me when I became conscious enough to realize that some family members around me felt “lack” in their lives.  Even so, I was not so much affected by this, because being a natural manifester myself; I drew opportunities into my life which gathered money to me on a regular basis.   I got my babysitting certification at 11yrs old and raked in more than I needed.  At 15 I had my first weekend job at Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I don’t remember feeling lack or “desire for gain” because I knew if I set my mind to a goal, that what I needed would somehow appear.  And so it did!

 

Generosity to me is a vast and encompassing concept.  It is not just about money.  It is about intention and the emotions that accompany “giving”.  It may or may not include physicality; such as gifts, money or material objects.  Generosity is a quality of heart, and we can show generosity though thoughts, prayers, words, actions as well as the commonly known concept of spending money.  My father’s wife, Silvia shows loving generosity each year when she collects all the clothes left abandoned in the “lost and found” of the schools in her area.  She then washes them, mends them, boxes them up and sends them to the children in Argentina who have no clothes.  She will spend money to purchase plane ticket in order to attend Argentina once she has sent the boxes, and her heart is filled with joy when she personally gives the clothes to the children who walk the streets often with no shoes or clean clothes.  This to me is an act of generosity.  She does not live an extravagant life herself, but is always considering how to be helpful to another.  Generosity includes awareness about where and how one can show generosity.  Examples may include a kind word when someone feels embarrassed or shamed; helping someone carry a package that is clearly too heavy or spending some time listening when someone needs a present companion, even though it might make us late to our next appointment.  When can you remember doing something that was so simplistic yet so influential?  These are memorable acts of generosity that ripple out and affect the world in ways we will never conceive (while in our physical bodies).  It’s the small acts of generosity that change the world, not the large checks written by those who don’t need the money, or use it as an income tax expense to offset their income.  That is the paradox that often accompanies the divine intention.  The generous acts that appear small and unseen by many are often the ones that have magnificent and powerful results.  That is the magic of Divinity, and the magnitude of a pure generous heart.  We can ALL have experiences of alchemy like Ebenezer Scrooge did; moving from an existence of numb oblivion to living joyous moments of generosity.  When we all bring generosity to a more conscious way of being, the world existence will be a much different place; a much more balanced place where there is no lack or hunger.  And when that balance occurs it will be like the last moments of Dickens’s story when we witness Scrooge’s dance of redemption; we will ALL shed tears of bliss, love and true-connection with all who surround us.

 

 

Holiday Time!

 

HELLO MY LOVING FRIENDS AND FAMILY xoxoxox

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There have been some friends and family who have asked if I planned to return for Christmas to see my Victoria family.  I was surprised to note how many of my classmates swallowed the exorbitant plane ticket costs to be with family for such a short duration.  I decided to save my pennies for school expenses and to spend my holiday time catching up on reading and SLEEPING (Yes!!!).  And I HAVE been sleeping… long dark nights equal (for me) the desire to be in warm hybernation.  Reading, sleeping and watching brainless Netflix have been my closest companions over the past week.

I have been fortunate enough to have my Papa close by, so have spent the bulk of my school break with him.

As you can see in the cartoon, even Santa and the gang don’t enjoy travel as we all once did in the past.

My Papa lives in Mississauga, which is on the other side of Toronto from Oshawa (where I stay with Rob and Linda).  So I split my time with each family member (so neither gets too tired of me) and I am able to build new memories with each of them, since I have not been near them for many many years.

I am very fortunate that Rob has such a lovely and generous partner Linda who is so accepting and sharing of their space during my school months.  I am continually in awe and in gratefulness for my family’s loving generosity.

Some of the perks of spending this time here in Ontario is the opportunity to meet and know more intimately those individuals that matter most to my brother and father.  I feel like my dad’s wife Silvia and her daughters have become much more like family to me.  Additionally, I have enjoyed getting to know Rob’s children more and more each time I am around during their time spent with Rob.

One of my favorite recent memories has been the times that I am able to negotiate visits with Rob (my brother), my dad and myself.  Even though we are all very busy there has been efforts made to meet and share a meal together. This has been most meaningful and memorable for me.

At Thanksgiving time, we had a family reunion -where all my parents and both my siblings were present.  It would have been the “cherry on top” had my own children been able to attend, but the timing was not right, since I had just left Victoria myself.  Even so, to see Rob’s children and George’s children there was more than enough love and laughter to make the weekend wonderful and full memorable photos.  We dedicated a part of the program to all four of our parents and many of us expressed sentiments of appreciation and humor.  My children were able to participate in this event and sent emails to each grandparent so that their presence was felt by their soulful words and their spirit. I am so thankful for FAMILY.

In some ways it feels like YEARS since I left BC one sunny warm day in August.  Other times, I am stunned how fast the time has passed, and how much I have learned within my school program.  It feels like I will never be the same again… that so many changes are occurring inside me as a result of learning the tools of Transformational Therapy.  I am excited, in wonder, and sometimes in anxiety as to my own future.  But many months ago I handed my life over to the Divine, and I have the ultimate faith that all that I have experienced is not for naught.  There is a reason, and there is perfection in the timing of all things.And I consider over the months, all the things that I held in trepidation, and that I overcame and now am even confident around.

 

 

 


 

 

For Example…

 

Getting to know a new school and group of classmates.

 

 

And learning to appreciate these classmates for all that they bring into my learning experience.

 

 

 

Having the trust to become vulnerable in front of them around my own life experiences.

 



Conquering the PUBLIC TRANSIT SYSTEM…and some days are better battles than others.

And (not to forget)  getting through my FIRST DAY of school… Yes, here I am on the train going home after my first day of completing classes.

Do I look TIRED in this photo?  That’s because I AM!!!  The adjustment to travelling, relocating, selling my all and leaving my babies has been an adjustment that has been unimaginable… yet quietly worth it.

I will be updating my site with some creative writing.  I hope you will find time to enjoy them.  If not, I’m thankful that you spent a moment with me today to find out about what happened to me after I disappeared from the western part of Canada, and reappeared in the East… not far from Toronto.

Please forgive the missalignment of the pictures and my written message.  The blog tools are difficult to navigate, and what I see in the “Preview” are NOT what appears in the blog. (Very frustrating!)

I send blessings to all of you, my family and friends… blessings  full of love, laughter and light – and I wish for you health and good fortune within the coming year.

Love always

Laura

lauraluz59@gmail.com

Missing my Kids

I entered my school program with a full force of enthusiasm.  And I had so much to adjust to.  The days were long, and the changes were all encompassing, so it felt like I had bracketted the fact that I was missing my children.  Then one day, I was completing a short assignment, and out it came…

Spiritual Director Assignment                                                 Submitted by Laura Luz

Journal Entry #5                                                                     Nov 12, 2011

 Do you appreciate as much as you take for granted?                   

 I went out for a walk yesterday into the glorious sunshine.  It was nippy I will admit, but the sun and the freshness of the air seduced my exit from indoors.  I wrapped the brightly colored scarf around my neck and put up my hood so my ears would stay warm.  Walking down the driveway, my eyes noticed something in the front of a neighbor’s house.  It was innocent enough; just a piece of furniture, looking old and neglected, yet it triggered a memory deep within me.  The item was the same shape as a wooden music box similar to the lovely one my oldest daughter gifted to me several Christmases ago.  She had spied it while working at Eaton’s and saved up her money in order purchase it for me.  When the lid flipped up to release the infectious melody, the entire scene lighted up with dancers in circular movement.  The music was festive and memorable and I was entranced.   When the memory flooded my mind, the tears mercilessly flooded my eyes in tandem.  I became instantly inconsolable.

 Three months ago I left Vancouver Islandafter selling and giving away everything that I owned, save it a few boxes of well loved books, journals, photos and small heirlooms.  It occurred to me in that very moment, that the particular item that came into my mind in this mad present moment was forever lost to me within my decision to simplify and re-locate.   This in-fact, was the first time in 31 years that I had been away from my children for such a length of time.  I am a mother of five children and the youngest of the five had moved out of my care and companionship a mere three weeks before I packed up my car, and drove across the continent to attend school in order to evolve my career into a sacred calling.  I had feverishly kept myself busy within my new surroundings, school assignments, and reading list so as to not feel the pain and loneliness of being apart from the ones I loved most in this world – my beautiful children.

 I have for most of my life, kept some kind of journal.  Much of my writing focuses on all that I appreciate in my life.  I am a keen observer of the many positive things and people which cross my path – and what a blessed individual I am!  Additionally, I have been honored to watch my children grow and develop into the kindest and best of friends to me.  I have both laughed and cried within the presence of each of them, and we have experienced the most intimate of conversations at important junctures of our lives.  So yesterday, within a most emotional outpouring of sobs, I realized that I might have, without being aware, taken for granted the place that my children held fast-to within the centre of my heart.  Because today I can no longer meet them in the middle of my day for a surprise coffee, or in the evening after work for sushi.  My now absent business trips no longer allow me to meet my middle son at my hotel in Vancouveror visit my oldest son in Jasper.  I all of a sudden missed the talks I had during crib-games or scrabble with my youngest son.  Gone were the bouts of hysterical laughter during family get-togethers, or the quiet comfort I received or gave during car-rides with one or more of my children.  My rampant tears now fully expressed how very much I missed the best friends I ever had, and the fact that today I fully noted, that I might have taken them for granted during the many years that they surrounded me.

 Do I appreciate as much as I take for granted?  The two can hardly be compared. They simply don’t stand within the same vicinity.  True appreciation comes with an awakening.  We may think we appreciate, until something important is taken away.  It is then that the true measure of it’s worth is born fully unto us.