Monthly Archives: February 2012

A Letter to my Family…

Dear Family:

Thanks to each of YOU who are both my friend and part of my family.   My gift for each of you this week is a variety-pack of LIFESAVERS.  They are representative of US (all who are in our family) and how we are present for each other when ever any of us needs help.  Personally, I have felt so supported by you all in my major decision to go back to school. Please enjoy your individual variety-pack of Lifesavers.  When you take one to enjoy its flavor, it is also your opportunity to take a quiet moment to consider the wonderful qualities of that particular family member.

KIRK is the RED Lifesaver, which is not only his favorite color but also the color of the first chakra, representing connection to family in a loving and grounded way.  In many ways, Kirk you have been a glue for our family because of the timing of your arrival. Each of us has cared for you and loved you in a profound and personal way. Red is also vibrant and symbolic of heartfelt love.  Always remember – You ARE love and you are LOVED!

JESSICA is the YELLOW Lifesaver, which reminds me of sunshine, warmth and sunflowers.  Yellow is the third chakra color, which houses our power center.  Jessica you have blossomed into your power as a young woman in a beautiful manner. You carry for our family a sunny disposition, laughter and are a natural connector for us all.  Thank you sweetie!

TRAVIS is the GREEN Lifesaver, which is the color of the fourth chakra.  It represents healing, forgiveness and compassion for others.  It is held in the heart, which is the center of all the chakras, and you are the center child, which is a challenging place sometimes. Travis, you have always been a sensitive young man who has kindness and acceptance for others. You have also been an example of being your own person and having a heart of integrity.  I thank you for the love that you show so freely.

LINDIE is the ORANGE Lifesaver, which is the energetic color of the second chakra.  This is where our passion and creativity is housed.  It also represents our yearnings and our enthusiasm for life, love and the chi energy.  You my sweet have all these wondrous attributes. Thank you for your example of courage to live both playfully and with zest.  Your laughter helps me to remember more of me.

CHAD is the PINEAPPLE Lifesaver, which reminds me that pineapples grow in warm foreign lands (far away), and that either you have been to that foreign land, or that you will probably be there one day. It represents your curiosity for life, your ability to explore with abandon and is also it is very sweet and playful, much like your personal nature.

DAD is the PEPPERMINT Lifesaver, which is full of pep, enthusiasm and taste for life. Peppermint is also helpful when tummy aches troubles emerge, just as your dad has been helpful in solving troubling situations.  And MOM is the WINTERGREEN Lifesaver, which represents a soothing and calm influence and a sweet nurturing flavor that is lasting and constant. Both Mom and Dad have the color of WHITE, the color of divine wisdom and clarity; the highest vibrational frequency of light.  It leads and holds the space for you children when you are unsure of your own gifts and personal power.  Additionally white light sheds light when there is darkness or when you cannot see the road ahead.

Each of us contributes to the WHOLE of our family, and all of us are loved deeply by one another.  We give each other life-force and we literally have all felt at one time or another that we have been a “Lifesaver” to one another or been “saved” by the love and concern of another. I am appreciative beyond words…  I marvel at how fortunate I am to have been given the gift of such a loving family. So when you pick a color to enjoy, I hope you will also ponder for a moment – to recognize the gift that we all have.  Allow yourself to fully understand the depth of our family’s love.

Letting-go…

When I leave my computer alone for long enough, and it is ON, it defaults into my picture file, and I might walk into my room and see pictures appear of my children when they were much younger, or of myself when I was at different doorways of my life.  Each fleeting glimpse becomes a gift to me, reminding me of all that I have experienced, reminding me of the blessings in my life, and of course the challenges.  I see my arms wrapped around another; We are smiling – or we may have a somber expression of quiet.  Each and every memory becomes a jewel to me now, as I work in isolation from my primary family and attempt to prepare myself for my next phase of service.

I experienced a profound moment this week when I spoke on the phone to my children’s dad.  Each of our children have experienced what I call “growing pains”; when they move out on their own, and experience their autonomy and additionally their relationship with the world outside of our (their parent’s) protective care.  I felt very appreciative that Dad had assisted one of our children who is still finding his stable legs within his independence.  As I hung up the phone though, something else began to speak to me and make itself known within my own journey.  The voice was familiar, and I have had deep and intimate conversations around this topic many times in my life, but I felt some sorrow and a tremendous resistance when I heard the whispers this time.  The voice said “it is time to let-go and trust!”

“Let go of what?” I asked impatiently.  I HAVE let go… I’m here aren’t I?… Away from the ones I love most… I’ve given up everything in my life to be here!  What more can I let go of?”  The voice responded quietly “You don’t need an answer to that question, because you already know!”  I shook my head with frustration and went to sleep.  I can see the value of avoidance and denial.

Over the next three days the voice continued to speak to me, and I became more still in order to understand the fullness of the message.  But I also became extremely sad and despondent.  “Why am I sad about this message?” I asked myself.  “Because you are creating space as you let-go, and that requires grieving”, the voice replied.  “I don’t want to grieve… I don’t have time to grieve” was my reply.  “You don’t make time for grieving… it just happens, and enters quietly and subtly into your existence” the voice said.

Throughout the week, a visual picture emerged in my inner vision.  It showed my children in a large circle, and I stood in the center of the circle.  I saw how much I identified with my role of being the center of the circle and how my ego was stroked each time my children had both successes and challenges. Yes, even when I helped them solve their challenges, I felt myself being stroked… “what a good mother you are”, I thought to myself.  As the vision unfolded, I then saw that entering the circle were others who were now becoming more present in my children’s world, and that spirit wanted me to graciously let-go of my role of being the center, and move to the outside of the circle.  This was my resistance… as I loved to be in the center.  I moved myself to the outside in order to see with more fullness. Within the center now stood their father along with a few others.  While I stood on the outside, and looked in, I felt a mixture of relief and sadness.  The father of my children wore his love openly, and his resourcefulness and trust shone with brightness. Additionally, I saw the wisdom of my mother, and the nurturing of her husband.  “All is well” the voice said… “so you see, it is now time to let-go”.

I understood even more completely when I sat with another intern-therapist who worked on an assignment with me.  Now was my time to turn inside, and find and heal my core essence.  My 31 years of being in the center of the circle had served me in providing me with an identity, and my task now was to transmute that identity along with ALL my other identities.  It doesn’t mean that I’m no longer a parent.  It means that I no longer define myself by the role of being a parent.  That I recognize the known saying “it takes a village to raise a child”, and that my children and their expansion was the stewardship of many… not just me.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve stepped into a different dimension, and have some understanding of those who have died, and crossed the veil, yet are held back in their progress by the heavy thoughts and grieving of the ones they leave behind.  In my situation, my children were not holding me back, but my own identification of being “center in their circle” held me back from truly integrating a healthy ego-state around my children. I have a knowing and a trust that everything is perfect in my leaving, and there must now be a sacred focus on my own inner progression in order to step into my higher soul journey. 

The ones who stand in the center of my children’s circle are so perfect in what they offer my (our) children, and the opportunity for intimacy and love abounds within the emerging experiences and situations.  And isn’t that really the purpose of being here within our life lessons?

So as I entered into February, the month that represents LOVE, I realized that sometimes Love requires  Letting-go, and trusting that our love will be felt through other ways, as opposed to being in the center of the circle; such as our prayers, thoughts, memories, intentions and fervant quiet words uttered  as tears roll down our face.  I am honored to have learned this lesson, and I am truly grateful for those wonderful souls who stand in the center of my children’s circle.