The past few days of my “reading-break” have proven to be interesting as I watch myself struggle with balancing my need for rest and integration, with getting the major project and the exam completed. I work for durations of time each day on school work, and then I reward myself with things that are restorative, like a walk in the sunshine, or a Himalayan salt-bath with candles, or sitting on the back deck at the end of the day to watch the sun settle into it’s decline. I love participating in these kinds of activities, and yet I often don’t allow myself such luxuries. I make my workload a priority; always the responsible one. Just where did I develop such a belief system, which resists balance?
While I’m in my salt-bath, watching the candle-light flicker against the water droplets , I begin to reflect on my insides. I’m observing and feeling what is happening inside me. I’m watching my mind prepare to speak in front of a group of ladies in less then a week, in order to promote my services both as an Intern-Therapist and as a Workshop Facilitator at a new Wellness Centre. And it suddenly occurs to me; sweeping heavily over me is the thought that I really don’t know if I am “good enough” to be doing these kinds of things. I hear my inner-critic and I recognize that she has taken over my psyche for the moment, and it becomes terrifying for the rest of me. There I sit in the darkness of the room, and the tears start to fall quietly into the bath water. I begin to whisper words, addressing my whispers to my ethereal support across the veil; my family, my guides, my angels and whoever else cares to listen, really! And I say… “I am here to experience my highest expression of the Divine… and right now… I’m just not feeling “good enough”… and I’m feeling a little stuck about this point.”
I see in my minds eye the many decisions and actions that I have made over the past year. Packing up and selling everything, telling my children that I am moving far away, putting my old life away in order to see what lies ahead for me. I am in awe of all that I have done since the year has elapsed. Yet I am still afraid. I still have doubts. How can this possibly be? And then I hear words of wisdom pierce through my quiet sobs… The words say…“Surrender, Dear one… It is time to surrender”. I take a deep breath and feel a shudder release from within.
To surrender in that moment was to realize that I will never have all the answers as to why I am feeling a certain way within a given moment. It is also acknowledging that there is a part of me that feels “not all grown up”, and that possibly I may never get past that feeling. Even though I discern what is occurring, I choose not to give-up, or give-in to the inner-critic’s voices and instead remain steadfast in my direction of taking one moment, one day, and one week at a time. In other words, it is a choice to not allow myself to get caught up in the minor worldly details. Instead, I choose to give those details to a Universal Manager who sees a bigger picture than I presently do.
“Giving-in”, would be the same as believing that thought which says “I might never be good enough”. Surrendering means that I move past the thought, but still give notice to it, without attachment along my way. Surrender requires presence of heart, soul and mind; differing from “giving in” by the vastness of its cosmic view or vision; a view that requires faith and trust until I am entitled to see it all myself.