I had a vivid dream. In the dream I was walking around, very busy, very distracted and humming to myself. I sensed someone behind me. I turned and there was a small child. He was very small in fact. He had just begun walking and looked between 1-2 years of age. I recognized his energy signature as my youngest child Kirk. His large luminous dark eyes gazed at me in wonder. I knelt down in front of him with a smile upon my face. I gathered him into my arms, and kissed his neck tenderly. Then, feeling his cheek upon mine, I gently whispered into his ear, “I love you Kirk”. To my surprise, he whispered back to me, as clear as any adult would, “I love you too”. And then I awoke; and was plummeted back to my “now”… to face my present reality where this young child was now a 23 year old adult and that I lived very far away from him.
Within a day of this dream, my oldest daughter sent me an audio file of a song which she personally sang to me. It was a childhood song which she learned and practiced many years ago in order to sing at a family gathering when she was 11. As I listened to her sweet voice, all the memories came flooding back of the “young mother years” which I obliviously, yet happily participated in. I found myself joyfully singing with her, and remembering our practices together. I recalled happy events within an earlier life. What a gift of Love both these events are for me in my present life.
I shamelessly admit that I have been talking to my spirit-team across the veil with much more sarcasm and cynicism lately. I’m in what I call “a dark part” of my life. The wise part of me realizes that this is always an indication of something significant on the horizon. Even so, I feel the Jaded part of me running things and recognize I’m in survival mode.
Sometimes when I talk to my Spirit-team, I’m driving in my car alone. Sometimes I write letters to them before I go to bed. But I’m very efficient as I call them ALL in – not missing anyone. I say, “OK I want everyone to pay attention to me please… that means EVERYONE! All my Guides, the higher-parts of me, my family that has left Earth, and my family that is coming to Earth too… and of course my family who is even here on Earth”… (the Astral parts of them). I also want the Angels that are presently curtailing my impulses to take silly risks, and all my Wisdom Counsel who continue to whisper hints about “ what THIS is all about right now – in my life.”
And sometimes I yell at them… I say “REALLY???… THIS is what we agreed on?” And I say “There better not be ANYONE who is laughing right now, because THIS is just not funny!” And there may be moments of silence as I brood a bit, (and secretly listen)… and I’ll admit that there are times that I feel a comforting wave of love coming through… and I shake it off, just like a child would when they are really frustrated and angry, and they want to stay that way for awhile.
I recently took an 11 year old child skating with his group of peers. He is my client, and has no ability to manage his behaviors or impulses. He went out on the ice (for his first time) with courage and bravado, and was humbled very quickly. Older boys whirled around him, and even the air from their motion sent this boy tumbling down into a face-plant. (Thankfully he was wearing a solid helmet). He would dramatically emphasise his anger and frustration by banging his hockey stick onto the ice. A few kind hearted peers or adults would approach him and help him up, but within seconds he was down again – on his face. I watched, and I marvelled at his resiliency and determination. He kept trying. He was a real fighter. Even so, I wonder… perhaps it was the anger within him that gave him his strength.
Finally, he came off the ice all sweaty, tired and humiliated. I had his snack in my pocket and approached him. I gently said “How are you doing?” He whirled to face me venomously and responded with a loud and angry “SHUT-UP!!!”
How many times have I? … No… “DO I” offer the same kind of response to my Spirit Team who sees the bigger picture of me and all that is occurring around me? I see myself in this boy so often.
And yet I digress…
So I have all my Spirit Team’s attention and I say to them… “I want a miracle”… I know that sounds very presumptuous, but that is exactly what I said. I also said to them… “HEY… and in case you haven’t noticed, I can’t reach THAT HIGH anymore, and I can’t connect with you like I have in the past… so I want YOU to reach down to ME please”. (Notice how I still used the “please” word?) And then in all my haughtiness, I described exactly what I wanted. I said “I want synchronicities… and I don’t want you to mistakenly think that I’m being a victim here… because I’m not. I am still in the game, I am still willing to do the skate … but I need infusions of energy, love and perspective.” And then I drove on in silence.
I see now that this kind of expression was my own gift to myself . To be able to “let out” some of the pressure cooker anger and confusion that has been co-existing within me. On a midnight phone call to my girlfriend I shared with her “I want to cry so much right now… but the tears just trickle out”. And I realized that this also was the very description of my pattern of desperate prayer. Ironically, I am in full force with my Gratitude-prayers… finding ALL that is wonderful in my world and expressing thanks for it. But – when I’m in my own “face plant”, I tend to trickle out thoughts and emotions, without giving that floundering part of myself the full- force of my expression.
And I’m suspecting that there are many others within the world who are just like me… maybe in the car next to me, or standing in a line up ahead of me in the grocery store; others who think that Prayer, or Expression to the powers beyond this world – has to be ordered, and pretty or to rationally and logically make sense. And I respond to that idea with a resounding “NOT-SO!” Because ALL communication is messy. Even having a voice and using words instead of thought is a new experience for us spirits who have signed up to be in a human body. So, I’m learning to “just express in whatever way I can… and in whatever manner it trickles (or bursts) out of me”, and “practicing” this expression allows me some relief <SIGH>…which eventually leads to more ease and flow around me.
Today I celebrate the 11 year old within me that was yelling about the “face-plant” that she found herself in…banging her stick and looking for someone … ANYONE who would help her up. I celebrate her because SHE is the part of me that was courageous and haughty enough to begin the dialogue once again with my spirit team. She is the force that created my recent miracles of Love. And I look forward many more miracles and synchronicities yet to come.